all i want is to be thin

 I feel like crap. Its almost 4pm and i havent eaten anything all day. Im so sick and depressed right now. Yesterday we had a bbq. I ate way too much and had too many margaritas. AND after the ppl left, i ate a ton after that. I grossed myself out. My bfriend called at noon. i was still in bed. Crying, feeling shitty. He wanted to go shopping w me, i said no. He had to come over to use my internet and his sister was giving me shit bc i just got outta bed. What the fuck ever. I was in the bathroom and he came in and asked whats wrong. I wanted to tell him so bad about my ED. But i didnt. im too embarrased to say it. i dont wanna say ive had weight probs since i was like 12. i dont wanna tell him that i dont feel comfortable in my own skin, that i hate myself, that i see a huge whale in the mirror. I just told him that i havent been taking my wellbutrin right, and thats why i have been acting weird. I started to cry in front of him. he hugged me and offered to stay with me. i told him no, to take his family out instead. I wanted to be alone. I cant stand this self loathing anymore. Everything i do, everything i see revolves around my appearance-- my weight. I cant escape it. Im so disgusted with the binge yesterday that i cannot even think of food right now. i feel so bloated, full of shit and a failure. I cant shake this depression off. Its so stupid. I miss my family. They havent come to see me in 3 years. Only one sister comes like once every 6 mo. Its too expensive to travel, esp. for me. Im an intern, and i dont get paid. I have this huge knot in my stomach and in my throat. I dont feel well at all. I just want to get into a little ball on my bed and not be disturbed for ages. Nothing is ever good enough . I cant seem to get happy. I hate to put on this fake smile and pretend nothing is wrong. Im bleeding inside. should i let my bfriend help me? will it cause a fight? Will he think less of me? I dont want my best friends to know. Im not that close to them as much anymore. help
ss and tt

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

i wanna get i tat to keep me motivated so i know what im doing this for..........where i wanna be! i was thinking a dragonfly on my inside wrist any ideas.
thanks

Somebody please tell me a story about your not-so-good, not-so bad, but completely normal day.
I'm falling. 

605 cals today..NO MORE!! I will ignore my friends phone call because she will tempt me to eat. Basically, it is my friends or the ED and today I chose ED!!!

maybe i wanna get hurt maybe i deserve this
i always end up in a bad relationship
too old, uses me, cheats, and now I'm not even with this guy and he hurts me physically and emotionally, and he does it on purpose he loves fcuking with my emotions, he said so him self he said he loves to mess with people's heads without them even knowing it, he has trust issues and brags to his friends how he still has his ex 'rapped around his finger' and always keeps every thing bottled up inside and has been through so much in his life that has made him this way. Why am I that girl who things she can fix a man?
and before you say anything about the physical, i just bruise easily he like pinches and bites my leg when we play fight and they leave bruises and were just playing its not from anger but he for some reason enjoys the fact that he's bruising me, and in that we are alike, we both enjoy pain and causing pain, causing pain is like a power rush, and giving up all my trust and allowing someone to hurt me is just more amazing maybe i subconsciously choose to have an ed =\

I know I'm strange.
But i've decided that if i can meet my goal this weekend (like 600cals a day)
and not slip up even once
Than I can have anything I want on Monday. Anything.
Not binging anything, but choose a good solid meal that I normally wouldn't have.

Weird movitation. Usually it works for me though.. because monday will come, i'll weigh myself, and then think 'hey why break the trend' and i'll skip my "whatever i want" day.

Wish me luck.

just wanna remind everyone not to forget to take vitamins-or start taking them..
we all want to go on with less damage done to our bodies..

i was sitting here eating my granola bar and diet coke when i realized i didn't wash my hands after baking cookies for my cousin's bridal shower tomorrow...i know it's not that big of a deal but they still smell like cookies and i'm afraid i ate the remnants along with my granola bar.

i just need some reassurance?

i did so good the other day.
went from 165.6 to 162.4
i was sooo happy
now i weigh this morning after doing horrible yesterday and guess what...




165.8



i suck.

I caved yesterday(was supposed to be day5of fast) and all out binged allday.Because I was feeling so down cus im still all by myself in florida*still have 2weeks to be here*n it being the 4th of july,no friends,got in a weird argument w my boy the night before,(hes the foreignone from arabia and said happy 4th,his friends were laughing and i thought its cus they hate us) i feel used. then my ex KEPT texting me and it made me feel so bad and nervous,i ate a ton again guys im sorry.i was starting to loose the binge weight from before too,my eyes are soooo small right now
So then Midbinge,I deleted my myspace page. JUST completely wiped it off....
I feel so weird as of now...words can not describe how empty i feel...also,got my period today,possible reason?i do not know.
My ex is the reason why ive been so bitter,he just kept writing we should give it a nother chance,blah blah blah...made me sick...
I kept writing him back non chalant answers then he writes,"ill leave you alone,this is thelast time youll hear from me" yada yada...i answer,"you dont miss me as a person?"then he said he did but thinks i dont want to be w him(OBVIOUSLY HE CHEATED)--SO,,He and the girl he cheated on me w are my "friends"also on myspace...i deleted my site,i dont want to be that girl anymore...i dont want to be so naive and forgiving.
We ended the messaging by,after sitting at the computer screen half crying,i decided...im texting him exactly what i feel,so i basically wrote that that life seems like a pastlife,him messaging me made me feel even more sad than i am because that is dead,i still miss him,but cant go back...he wrote hell always love me,please stop running,etc. i feel better now,but really want to change my number.Yet im still with my current boyfriend and although im annoyed with him,hes still a comfort.still,in my sick mind,something to use as a means of wanting to stay thin and not binge...im soooo need counseling...

 hahaha.
my shift got pushed back almost two hours. so that means that i can stop and get a coffee on my way there and maybe even shop a bit. 
i'll get home at about 11, read some, and then go to bed. i work tomorrow for five hours but i dont have to close and thats my last shift for the week. so i can get set making myself look gorgeous for sunday. i need to:
make a nail appointment
hair appointment
get another tanning package so i look hot when i go back to school 
and it will also be nice to just lay around for a while. 


woo. happy happy day.

Hey i didnt do so bad today
2 bananas(202)
1 apple(60)
1 pear(60)
Half a peach(30)
Small piece of cake(friends gave me a slice it was my friends birthday it was the size of half a pear.)(200)
5 sugar free sweet(50)
Grand total =602..I estimated the amount of the cake but it cant be right because two bananas are more than the cake is..
Anywho was in town the whole day walking around
On one scale it says i lost 4.4 lbs the other one says i lost 2.4..The older one says ive lost 2.4 and the new one says 4.4..I dont know which one to go for but ill go with them both either way im still FAT and ugly =]
Hows everyone doing?
Stay strong <3
Bubz <3
X
x
X

 ok, so last night i couldnt sleep, Whats new i know lol
but anyway i decided i was going to be productive with the time i waste just sat up in bed
so i got out and started to exercise, literally 30 seconds after i start exercising i hear my mum get out of bed
that ment i had to STOP or she would hear me
So i was wondering if any of you know anyways that i can exercise which are quite, so that no-one can hear me, wether its day or night???
I know crunches are quite but our floor is pretty creaky so even that isnt that quite lol

 my mom found my ana journal.
she read it.
she had a huge talk with me.
i might be sent away for treatment.
i feel so betrayed...
='(

what the hell am i going to do?
they know...
help.

Apple (60) dannon fit&light yogrt (60)...

work at 3. But I'm going to be there until past when I'd want to eat dinner. So I don't want to come home & eat what I was going to eat (involved a microwave, eggbeater)

So, I guess I could bring a pickle, some snow peas, & a sliced up tomato? Will this put me at 200? Goddamnit I HAAATE this 200 day. & I'm a weak ass can't exercise mess. this better be fucking worth it. I really want to binge my face off.

every day that i eat, i sleep.
last night, 6 hot guys asked me to sneak out with them.
i met them at a 4th of july party, they all went in a group.
I ATE A COOKIE THAT ONE OF THEM OFFERED.
and i slept last night.

and my ex asked if i wanted to come over and watch a movie with him last night.
AND my other friend asked me to go meet sara, and smoke and drink with her.
(for some reason she's trying to hook me up with sara. i've never really done much
with girls, i mean, kissed a girl once. but i was slightly drunk. since then, i've never
really thought about or questioned my sexuality, i just kinda like who i like..)


BASICALLY, food ruined my night last night. i'm so pissed. wtf.
and i had my phone right next to me the whole night, and i slept through
ALL of their 20394723904 texts and calls.

and i had celery today cause i was so emotional.
and then i took 12 laxatives.
and i still haven't felt any of the normal changes,
except my heart feels like it's cramping.

I realized today how lazy I've become. I've been about the same damn weight since January. I've lost all self control. I've been binging so much lately. I have to stop. I miss restricting. I will be below 100 before the summer's over. And I will be 90 by next May. I've had it with myself. I'm fucking pathetic.

hello girlieshows everyones day?!?!?

 
Happy 4th of July 2008!! I want you to remember your goals on the
holiday, stay strong and remember that you are in control. So for
4th of july dieting tips. click here.
CLICK HERE FOR THIS WEEKS AFTER HOLIDAY DIET.